We’re about to talk about when bad things happen to good people. When you assemble an all-star cast of actors, that doesn’t guarantee a brilliant blockbuster that will be adored for generations. In fact, when you gather a group of Hollywood A-listers, the scrutiny is immensely bigger. No, not every film is about to be a Marvel hit like The Avengers, in which the biggest superheroes around come together for an epic moment. Sometimes you get slop like Movie 43 or a camptastic catastrophe like Cats.
We’re about to embark on a journey where ten films with all-star casts turned out to be lousy for one reason or another. Maybe they were a group of men past their prime roped into an action flick that made very little sense. Perhaps a revered director tried to gather a list of big names for holiday films that didn’t actually need representation. And then there’s that slop we talked about. These movies are remembered for all the wrong reasons, and yet, we couldn’t look away from the beautiful train wreck.
10
‘Ocean’s Twelve’ (2004)
Not everting needs to be a sequel, but how could you not be tempted to cash in on the massive success of Ocean’s Eleven? The second installment of the trilogy, the film takes place three years after the predecessor, Danny Ocean (George Clooney) and the crew are tracked down by Terry Benedict (Andy Garcia), who demands they return the stolen money plus $38 million in interest, giving them a two-week deadline. Since the crew members have already spent most of their money, they are forced to go on a high-stakes crime spree in Europe to raise the cash.
The original cast plus some new faces truth for the heist, so when you have a winning formal with this cast —including Clooney, Brad Pitt, Matt Damon, Catherine Zeta-Jones, García, Don Cheadle, Bernie Mac, Julia Roberts, Casey Affleck, Scott Caan, Vincent Cassel, Eddie Jemison, Carl Reiner, and Elliott Gould — you’d think they’d have another hit. Sadly, this film did not hit the jackpot. It’s a glossy star-studded vehicle, but with an illogical plot and self-satisfying, smug lip service, the sequel just didn’t have the same excitement. Dare I say, it was formulaic. It’s easily the weakest of the three films. Why? Well, they learned they had to step it up for Ocean’s Thirteen. Come for the stars, leave when you’re bored.
9
‘Nine’ (2009)
In 2002, Rob Marshall brought John Kander and Fred Ebb’s Chicago to life on screen, earning extraordinary reception and award gold. Using a dream-like directorial style, the brilliance of the film helped jumpstart the movie musical renaissance. When Marshall was given the chance to bring another musical to the screen, he used the same playbook, but this time, it didn’t work. Maury Yeston’s Nine, originally inspired by the film 8½ , the film follows an Italian film director, Guido Contini (Daniel Day-Lewis) who is dealing with a midlife crisis and creative block while juggling relationships with the women in his life. With a wonderful score that took Broadway by storm, the issue of Marshall’s film is it tried to be Chicago, but it simply could not live up to it, due in part, to the cast.
Playing the woman of Guido’s life, the ensemble featured Marion Cotillard, Penélope Cruz, Judi Dench, Fergie, Kate Hudson, Nicole Kidman, and Sophia Loren. Once you get past the former Black Eyed Peas’ performance of “Be Italian,” it all goes down hill from there. As much as the new song written for the film, “Cinema Italiano,” was a bop, Hudson was a flop. The film was far too chaotic and frenetic for film. Even with a cast of Hollywood elite, they were ill-equipped to take on this material. Vocally that is. Had they simply redone the nonmusical, it would have been a masterclass in acting. Sometimes big stars are told they have a decent voice, but chances are their agent lied.
8
‘Valentine’s Day’ (2010)
The 90s were the mecca of romcoms and one of the most prolific directors of the genre was Garry Marshall. So, one would think putting them together alongside an all-star cast would provide for a brilliant movie. Instead, Valentine’s Day was as unnecessary as another generic pharmacy dollar bin teddy bear. Meant as a sickly sweet holiday film, Valentine’s Day found success at the box office, but the critics brought the opposite of love. Hoping to be the February 14th answer to Love, Actually, Marshall’s film brought a series of intertwining stories together through the lens of the holiday.
The cast was filled to the brim with stars, including Jessica Alba, Kathy Bates, Jessica Biel, Bradley Cooper, Eric Dane, Patrick Dempsey, Héctor Elizondo, Jamie Foxx, Jennifer Garner, Topher Grace, Anne Hathaway, Ashton Kutcher, Queen Latifah, Taylor Lautner, George Lopez, Shirley MacLaine, Emma Roberts, Julia Roberts, and Taylor Swift. People rushed to the theater not just to see some of their favorites on screen but to see the Taylor’s together, who dated after meeting on set. The major problem with the film was the frantic abundance of clichés that overwhelmed. As a dizzying collage of pretty people, Valentine’s Day was simply mismanaged. This was not a love story and baby, we did not say yes.
7
‘New Year’s Eve’ (2011)
It’s not a sequel but essentially copy and paste what you just read about Valentine’s Day and you get the same for New Year’s Eve. Dropping audiences into the dreaded mayhem of New Year’s Eve in New York City, New Year’s Eve tells a series of stories about interconnecting people counting down the final moments of the year. The supersize cast consisted of Halle Berry, Jessica Biel, Jon Bon Jovi, Abigail Breslin, Chris “Ludacris” Bridges, Robert De Niro, Josh Duhamel, Zac Efron, Katherine Heigl, Ashton Kutcher, Seth Meyers, Lea Michele, Sarah Jessica Parker, Michelle Pfeiffer, Hilary Swank and Sofía Vergara, but the question remained, did we need a movie about the last day of the year?
Overtly shallow and uniformly shallow, the star-studded cast seemed eager to play with poor material to do so with. By the end of the film, the sands of time have dwindled to nothing, which is what ultimately this film does. When the divine Claudia Winkleman calls it the worst film of all time, I tend to take the word of The Traitors UK host. Just a reminder, this was part two of an unofficial trilogy, but it just felt wrong to pile on and include 2016’s Mother’s Day on this list. Especially as it was Marshall’s final film of his career, as well as Penny Marshall’s final appearance on screen.
6
‘The Monuments Men’ (2014)
We tend to have high expectations when it comes to war films. Most of the time, these epic films are not only resoundingly popular, but they are well executed. For whatever reason, a George Clooney-helmed war film didn’t quite fly. Starring Matt Damon, Bill Murray, John Goodman, Jean Dujardin, Bob Balaban, Hugh Bonneville and Cate Blanchett, The Monuments Men brings Robert M. Edsel and Bret Witter’s 2007 non-fiction book The Monuments Men: Allied Heroes, Nazi Thieves and the Greatest Treasure Hunt in History to life. The unique saga follows an Allied group from the Monuments, Fine Arts, and Archives program that is given the task of finding and saving pieces of art and other culturally important items before Nazis destroy or steal them during World War II.
Every necessary ingredient for a box office hit was present. Unfortunately, with mixed reviews at best, the noble cast was unable to compensate for the poor material. It was almost too shamelessly quirky and corny that it became a misfire. As an atypical war film tackling a truly unique topic, the pacing was slower than a snail and still mismanaged the ability to build strong characters. It felt as if the all-star cast were saying zippy one-liners just to pass the time with a lack of urgency. It’s quite puzzling that the film was unable to lack any emotional stakes, even with such historical liberties taken.
5
‘The Expendables’ (2010)
If you ever wondered what the Justice League of action heroes would like, look no further than The Expendables. In 2010, Sylvester Stallone took on a major directorial project by inviting a large ensemble of aging action stars to play a team of elite mercenaries tasked with a mission to overthrow a Latin American dictator whom they soon discover to be a mere puppet controlled by a corrupt ex-CIA agent. Paying homage to the blockbuster action films of the 80s and 90s, The Expendables was everything you expected it to be…as long as you expected it to not be very good.
Beyond the first film, we need to discuss it as a franchise. The first film, yes that’s right, the first of four, featured an ensemble including Jason Statham, Jet Li, Dolph Lundgren, Randy Couture, Terry Crews, Steve Austin, Mickey Rourke, and Bruce Willis. Just for fun, let’s discuss who joined the team in future films. The Expendables 2 added Chuck Norris, Liam Hemsworth, Jean-Claude Van Damme, and Arnold Schwarzenegger, The Expendables 3 brought in Antonio Banderas, Mel Gibson, Ronda Rousey, and Harrison Ford, and Expend4ples finished with 50 Cent and Andy Garcia.
The franchise acknowledged that it was full fan service. The Expendables was not meant to change cinema. It was a franchise made for the dads in your life who watch Rambo and Die Hard on repeat and are told by their spouses to find something new to watch. The excitement was there in between the silly dialogue peppered in. The film is filled with cringes, but chances are you don’t care because it’s when things blow up, you’re satisfied.
4
‘Crash’ (2004)
As a reminder, Crash was the winner of the Academy Award for Best Picture at the 78th ceremony. So how did it make this list? The reputation, its defeat over Brokeback Mountain, and controversial topics handled without care. Let’s back up for a moment and start from the beginning. Crash is a series of interconnected stories focusing on the racial and class tensions in Los Angeles over 36 hours. Aiming to explore prejudice is a collective problem that affects everyone, regardless of their own race or background, Crash is a film that has not aged well. Said to be a passion project for director Paul Haggis, the film was inspired by an incident he experienced in 1991 when his Porsche was hijacked. Hoping to prove that, over a decade later, the same issues linger, Crash was meant to shake you up, but for some, it was just heavy-handed.
The reality is the film isn’t necessarily bad, it’s the legacy that followed that tarnished its reputation. For many Oscar voters, it was seen as a safe film to give the accolades to, despite it not being the best film of the year. Furthermore, accusations of homophobia was said to play into why Crash won out over Brokeback Mountain. But when you look at the giant cast, of course there was a draw into giving the nod. Just look at the cast— including Sandra Bullock, Don Cheadle, Matt Dillon, Jennifer Esposito, William Fichtner, Brendan Fraser, Terrence Howard, Chris “Ludacris” Bridges, Thandiwe Newton, Michael Peña, and Ryan Phillippe. It’s loaded with stars, but looking back today, it’s a time capsule film that has not aged like fine wine.
3
‘The Snowman’ (2017)
Though this film’s all-star cast isn’t as massive compared to some other entries, the heft of the names attached put The Snowman into lousy contention. Inspired by the 2007 novel of the same name, The Snowman follows inspector Harry Hole (Michael Fassbender) as he tracks a serial killer who builds snowmen at his crime scenes. A dark, gory, and suspenseful film, the Tomas Alfredson-directed crime thriller should have all the makings of a hit, but it just turned out so poorly. Alongside Fassbender, the cast included J.K. Simmons, Rebecca Ferguson, and Val Kilmer. Yet even they couldn’t save the Nordic nightmare.
The recipe for success was present, but with major production problems, The Snowman melted. Between a rushed filming schedule and some personal woes affecting filming with Kilmer due to his eventual cancer diagnosis, it was almost destined to flop. By the time critics got their hands on it, it wasn’t those flaws that were slapped with heavy condemnation. Instead, it was the incomprehensible plot that was hailed as an inept misfire. When the director eventually disowns their own work, making excuses for its poor reception, you know it’s bad.
2
‘Cats’ (2019)
The 21st century has brought back the movie musical boom. The thing is, with Broadway lovers demanding everything be transformed into a movie adaptation, the reality is not everything should be. Such is the case for Andrew Lloyd Weber’s Cats. Inspired by the 1939 poetry collection Old Possum’s Book of Practical Cats by T. S. Eliot, the Tom Hooper-directed film reimagined the stage show by tossing some of the entertainment industry’s biggest stars into a CGI machine and turning them into creatures that haunt your dreams. Cats was meant to be a well-meaning adaptation, but the execution turned into a disaster.
The cast included the likes of James Corden, Judi Dench, Jason Derulo, Idris Elba, Jennifer Hudson, Ian McKellen, Taylor Swift, and Rebel Wilson taking on the iconic score. Even though Cats sounded extraordinary, it was done through a visual medium. Hooper, who was always known for his decisive adaptation of Les Misérables, truly attempted to honor the source material but ended up ruining it through the effects and inconsistent rules of the world. There are certain times when Cats is a worthy watch. And they often include a cocktail and a laugh.
1
‘Movie 43’ (2013)
It’s safe to say that Movie 43 will forever live in infamy. Conceived by Charles B. Wessler, the anthology features fourteen different storylines, each tackled by a different director, including Elizabeth Banks and James Gunn. With a ginormous cast with a range of names from Halle Berry and Hugh Jackman to Uma Thurman and Kate Winslet. Throughout the vignettes, an overarching story follows a washed-up writer (Dennis Quaid) as he pitches insane story lines to a producer (Greg Kinnear) featuring some of the biggest stars in Hollywood. And when we say insane, it’s complete with filth and vile in order to earn laughs.
As Wessler essentially put it, Movie 43 is Funny or Die with guardrails. With a large ensemble and creative team, bringing this film to life was not easy. Some might even question if it was worth it. Having such a negative reputation as a gross-out piece of cinema, it’s shocking that so many of these performers agreed to play, but the reality was, without the specific individuals, many of whom were friends of Wesslers, it’s likely it never would have been made. Literally, the Winslet-Jackman scene was used to poach further A-listers. The catch was, many actors didn’t know what was happening around them in other scenes until it was all put together. Since the film was released, many individuals involved have admonished the project, some admitting they tried to even get out of it.
Despite only a 5% rating on Rotten Tomatoes, the film has a major place in movie history. It’s woefully offensive with more uncomfortable scoffs than hearty, genuine laughs. And yet, we all suffered through it just to admit we watched Movie 43. The film is gross and juvenile, but it never pretended not to be. It was a remarkable feat to compile the cast it did, but never will there be a team up this major again unless they’re all wearing tights and a cape.
- Release Date
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January 25, 2013
- Runtime
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90minutes
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